When you’re not looking

I keep waiting for something completely unexpected and amazing to happen to me.

 I’m pretty weird, as a whole who I am and the life style I was given is just awesomely weird. I say given since at nineteen you are more so given the life you live and had less of a hand in creating it. So, in other word I’m going to spend more time in the life I want to live rather the one I was given. Are you with me on this? Who ever knows then you pass this point, when do you figure out what you want, or better yet do you ever get it?

For a weird person I have been rather boring. Now I’m not a boring person but I do boring people things. Boring is relative to whatever you define it as, but it’s boring compared to how I want to be spending my time. That being said I don’t know what excitement I’m looking for. You know it is always easier to know what you don’t want rather than what you do.

I keep trying to define what it means to be young, what youth should feel like and how it should be spent. I feel like I have not really lived yet. Like I have been saving up my allowance and don’t know how to spend it. What if it runs out? What if I don’t get the chance to be care free enough. I’m always so serious, so stubborn, such an over thinker, and I think some people think I’m a prude. I’m that girl that everyone thinks is “good” and “sweet” and “safe” and I’m not saying I’m not, or that I’m trying to run away from that perception of me, I just don’t want that to hold me back from having a little fun with myself ya know? Now I don’t want to go all “bat shit crazy”, I have nothing I’m trying to prove to myself or anyone, I just don’t want to regret anything. I never want to regret not giving myself the chance when it was given to me.